How to Put Boundaries in Place for Your Child

Some days it's hard to know what the best ways of teaching your children about discipline and the consequences of misbehaving really are. There are as many different parenting choices today as there are books on the subject.

However, one of the simplest and yet effective methods of disciplining your children and teaching them self-control, is to use "If" and "Then" consequences. If your family is in constant turmoil because of unacceptable behavior, or if you're tired of not having your kids mind you unless you scream and yell and lose your temper, you owe it to your family to give this a try. It's been proven to bring about quick changes, even in the most stubborn or behavior-challenged child.

However, before beginning to use this method, there are a few ground rules that you need to understand.

1. There is a world of difference between "punishing" your child and "disciplining" her. By its nature, punishment is meant to show power and strength, but little love. Discipline teaches a child what behavior they exhibited that was unacceptable, and helps them to understand why. They also learn what you want them to do next time.

2. Never discipline your child when you are angry or upset.

3. Always tell your child that it's the behavior -- not her, that's unacceptable.

4. Make the consequences of your child's action appropriate to the behavior, and make them immediate. (Also make sure that the consequences are something you both can live with. Telling your child that you'll leave her home for the next outing when you -- and she -- know that you won't, is not effective).

5. Be consistent.

"If" and "then" consequences are simple. Make a list of the behaviors you want your child to exhibit. Then make a list of the "unacceptable" behaviors. Create a "consequence" for each unacceptable behavior that is instantaneous, is appropriate to the misbehavior and takes away something the child values (preferably related to the misbehavior). This can be anything from watching television or playing video games, to spending time with friends or going somewhere special.

Now make a list of privileges your child can earn from acceptable behavior. Don't try to change every bad habit your child has developed all at once. You could start by picking one or two, but no more than three.

Once you know what each consequence or reward is, schedule a time to talk to your child. Make sure that it's a time that you are relaxed and calm, and so is your child.

Keep the discussion brief, and make it appropriate to her age level. Let her know that you love her, and because of your love, that the two of you are going to work on changing some unacceptable behaviors.

Discuss your own behavior first. Talk honestly to your child about how getting angry and your actions makes you feel. Tell her which behaviors you exhibit at those times that you want to change, and how you'd rather behave. Then move to her behavior, and explain which behaviors are unacceptable. Explain why the behavior is unacceptable (again, put the discussion on her level). Just make sure to keep it upbeat, and fairly short. Don't get angry or upset, and remember that this isn't about blame or punishment.

If your child can read, giving her a written list of the rewards and consequences may help her to process the new system. If your child doesn't read, or isn't receptive to the new methods, don't give up hope. One of the secrets to success is consistency on your part.

One of the reasons that this method works so well and so quickly, is because it targets the behaviors, and clearly lays out the consequences for each. After your discussion, if your child chooses inappropriate behaviors, she knows already what the consequences are, and you are no longer the "bad guy".

Don't expect that everything is going to change all at once. In fact, you should expect to remind your child for several weeks of the consequences for negative behavior.

For example, if you have a child who frequently has temper tantrums in the grocery store, then before taking her with you, remind her of the reward for good behavior "If you accept a "no" answer if I can't buy you everything you want while we're in the store this afternoon, then I will let you choose the cereal you want." (Again, make the reward appropriate and something that she values).

Right before going into the store, stop and talk to her again, only this time, remind her of the negative consequence. "If you throw a temper tantrum once we're in the store, then the consequence is that we will leave the store right away, and you won't get to choose your favorite cereal."

And every time your child exhibits the behavior you want and expect, praise her for it. "I'm really proud of you, honey! We went into the grocery store, and even though I had to tell you that we couldn't get the ice cream, you accepted the 'no' answer. Your behavior was exactly right. Now, let's go choose your favorite cereal!"

As your child learns that you are going to remain consistent with this new system, and understands the consequences of negative behaviors, most behavior problems begin to noticeably decrease.

The consequences of positive behavior are that you and your child will communicate with each other better and there will be fewer power struggles and more quality family time.

Allowing Your Child To Surf the Net Safely

The Internet has changed our world forever. Information on any subject is available 24/7. There are very few restrictions on what people can put on the Internet which means there are many sites totally unsuitable for children. Unfortunately, there are also unscrupulous people in cyberspace who will happily take advantage of children.

To keep your children safe on the Net set some basic rules for them. Discuss these rules with your children and make sure they are totally clear about the rules and that the rules are non-negotiable (computer privileges can be suspended when rules are broken).

It may be necessary to make rules that are appropriate to the age of the child. For smaller children pin a copy of your family Internet rules near the computer. Discuss as a family, what sites you consider inappropriate and why.

Supervision of computer usage is vital. Again, this may need to be altered to suit the age of the child, but even teenagers should have someone occasionally check the sites they choose to surf. If the computer is in their bedroom set time limits when it can be used and do random checks of what sites they are surfing.

Explain to children that they should never, under any circumstances, give out their name, age, address, phone number or any other personal details on the Internet. This is particularly true when visiting chat rooms. Also, children should never send their photo to anyone without their parents' permission. If you suspect anyone is showing an interest in obtaining private information from your child, stop using the site in-question and report the issue to the site manager. There is usually a contact email address on the website (or you can contact your Internet Service Provider).

Be aware of whom your child is making friends with on-line; just as you would with any friend they make off line. If your child resents you monitoring their on-line chats give them a choice of having chats monitored occasionally or not being allowed to use chats at all. Emphasize you are doing it for their safety.

Another option to enable children to surf the net safely is to install software which will filter what content your child can access on the Net. These generally work by preventing entry to sites whose names contain keywords that you put on a banned list. While these can be very useful in some instances, they can prevent older children viewing legitimate sites that they may need to access for homework.

You can also alter settings on your computer's Internet Browser to prevent some sites from being accessed. Check with your Internet Service Provider to see if they may also offer some form of protection.

The Internet is a tool which when carefully used can be of great benefit. Our children have never known a world without the Internet and it's up to each of us to ensure their safety in this exciting (and challenging) new technological world.

Getting Your Kids to Talk to You

Being a parent isn't easy. Some days just getting everyone in your family all together at the same time for dinner can seem like the "impossible dream". Between after school sports and clubs and working and errands and carpools, it's not surprising that almost half of the parents in a recent survey said they feel a growing distance between themselves and their children.

Today's children have more things to deal with than kids did even twenty years ago. Drugs, violence, mixed messages in advertising, peer pressure, packed schedules and outside activities all add to the pressure they face.

So how, in the midst of all this chaos, do you find time to talk to your kids -- and more importantly, have them talk back to you?

Here are several ideas that can help:

1. Eat dinner together as a family at least three times a week. Conversations flow easier when they happen around the dinner table. If your family is conversationally-challenged in the beginning, think of conversation starters before each meal. Plan a family vacation, letting each child talk about where they'd like to go, or what they'd like to do. Talk about current events, the latest movies or upcoming special events. Ask your children open-ended questions that have to be answered with more than yes or no.

2. Turn off the outside world. Set aside "family time" each night and have everyone turn off their phones, the computers and the television. Let your friends and extended family know that you won't be available during that time, and stick to it. Your kids (especially teenagers) may joke about it, but secretly they'll probably be delighted. Use this time to reconnect with each other. Watch a movie, play board games, take turns reading out loud, but whatever you do, do it together.

3. Cook at least one meal a week together. Even your youngest children can do something to help. If your kitchen is too small for everyone to fit, schedule a "helper" or have your children be responsible for different parts of the meal. Your family will grow closer during this time, and your kids may even start the conversations themselves. (You can always get the ball rolling by talking about things you did with your parents. While you may not be cool, chances are your kids think your parents are, and will be impressed).

4. Make it safe for your kids to talk to you. Let them know that you won't get angry or upset if they talk to you about what's going on. If they tell you something "off the record" then let it stay that way. (Emergencies and dangerous situations aside).

5. Listen to what they have to say. If you're working, or doing something else when your child starts to talk to you, they may give up if they know your attention is really somewhere else. Give your child the same courtesy that you'd give to a friend or acquaintance, by giving them your undivided attention when they're speaking.

6. Use active listening skills. Make sure that you understand what your child is telling you. Repeat what they told you and ask questions.

7. Set aside special time to spend with each child. It may be nothing more than taking one child at a time with you when you run errands, but let each child know that you value spending special time with them.

8. Be patient. Don't expect a "perfect" family. If you're not June Cleaver and your husband isn't Howard Cunningham, it's okay. Just remember that perfect families really don't exist outside of television re-runs.

Just keep trying, and you'll learn the art of conversation with your kids isn't as hard as you thought!