How to Put Boundaries in Place for Your Child

Some days it's hard to know what the best ways of teaching your children about discipline and the consequences of misbehaving really are. There are as many different parenting choices today as there are books on the subject.

However, one of the simplest and yet effective methods of disciplining your children and teaching them self-control, is to use "If" and "Then" consequences. If your family is in constant turmoil because of unacceptable behavior, or if you're tired of not having your kids mind you unless you scream and yell and lose your temper, you owe it to your family to give this a try. It's been proven to bring about quick changes, even in the most stubborn or behavior-challenged child.

However, before beginning to use this method, there are a few ground rules that you need to understand.

1. There is a world of difference between "punishing" your child and "disciplining" her. By its nature, punishment is meant to show power and strength, but little love. Discipline teaches a child what behavior they exhibited that was unacceptable, and helps them to understand why. They also learn what you want them to do next time.

2. Never discipline your child when you are angry or upset.

3. Always tell your child that it's the behavior -- not her, that's unacceptable.

4. Make the consequences of your child's action appropriate to the behavior, and make them immediate. (Also make sure that the consequences are something you both can live with. Telling your child that you'll leave her home for the next outing when you -- and she -- know that you won't, is not effective).

5. Be consistent.

"If" and "then" consequences are simple. Make a list of the behaviors you want your child to exhibit. Then make a list of the "unacceptable" behaviors. Create a "consequence" for each unacceptable behavior that is instantaneous, is appropriate to the misbehavior and takes away something the child values (preferably related to the misbehavior). This can be anything from watching television or playing video games, to spending time with friends or going somewhere special.

Now make a list of privileges your child can earn from acceptable behavior. Don't try to change every bad habit your child has developed all at once. You could start by picking one or two, but no more than three.

Once you know what each consequence or reward is, schedule a time to talk to your child. Make sure that it's a time that you are relaxed and calm, and so is your child.

Keep the discussion brief, and make it appropriate to her age level. Let her know that you love her, and because of your love, that the two of you are going to work on changing some unacceptable behaviors.

Discuss your own behavior first. Talk honestly to your child about how getting angry and your actions makes you feel. Tell her which behaviors you exhibit at those times that you want to change, and how you'd rather behave. Then move to her behavior, and explain which behaviors are unacceptable. Explain why the behavior is unacceptable (again, put the discussion on her level). Just make sure to keep it upbeat, and fairly short. Don't get angry or upset, and remember that this isn't about blame or punishment.

If your child can read, giving her a written list of the rewards and consequences may help her to process the new system. If your child doesn't read, or isn't receptive to the new methods, don't give up hope. One of the secrets to success is consistency on your part.

One of the reasons that this method works so well and so quickly, is because it targets the behaviors, and clearly lays out the consequences for each. After your discussion, if your child chooses inappropriate behaviors, she knows already what the consequences are, and you are no longer the "bad guy".

Don't expect that everything is going to change all at once. In fact, you should expect to remind your child for several weeks of the consequences for negative behavior.

For example, if you have a child who frequently has temper tantrums in the grocery store, then before taking her with you, remind her of the reward for good behavior "If you accept a "no" answer if I can't buy you everything you want while we're in the store this afternoon, then I will let you choose the cereal you want." (Again, make the reward appropriate and something that she values).

Right before going into the store, stop and talk to her again, only this time, remind her of the negative consequence. "If you throw a temper tantrum once we're in the store, then the consequence is that we will leave the store right away, and you won't get to choose your favorite cereal."

And every time your child exhibits the behavior you want and expect, praise her for it. "I'm really proud of you, honey! We went into the grocery store, and even though I had to tell you that we couldn't get the ice cream, you accepted the 'no' answer. Your behavior was exactly right. Now, let's go choose your favorite cereal!"

As your child learns that you are going to remain consistent with this new system, and understands the consequences of negative behaviors, most behavior problems begin to noticeably decrease.

The consequences of positive behavior are that you and your child will communicate with each other better and there will be fewer power struggles and more quality family time.